*P.S. I talk about depression here, so please be careful.*
It’s been such a long time since I last wrote anything. I sat down to write today while putting off starting a uni assignment (healthy, I know) and realised that, actually, nothing has changed since I last wrote. Doctors are as unhelpful as ever, if not more so. I’m currently being tested for something called PMDD, which is a form of PMS which is actually more like bipolar disorder. I’m pretty sure I might have it – since it fits my symptoms so damn well and it’s incredibly similar to bipolar, which I’ve been tested for repeatedly. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been to the doctors in the past six months – at their request, not mine – only to be told it’s just (oh look, my favourite word!) anxiety.
It’s always anxiety, anxiety, anxiety.
I’m actually starting to feel kinda bad for poor old anxiety. As much it’s given me some serious grief over the years, it does seem to get the blame for things an awful lot..
I feel like, at the moment, I actually have a fairly good grip on my anxiety. Right now, it’s depression I’m struggling with. The unpredictability of it and this weird condition that I may or may not have. For those of you who don’t know, PMDD is a form of PMS, which means periods (LOL) of severe depression just before that oh-so-wonderful time of month.
So. Depression. I’m fine right now, but I know pretty soon I won’t be and actually, that’s a really scary thing. And it gets you in so many ways! Ways I’ve never even experienced or heard about before, which just makes it all the more scary! I’ve taken so many days off work due to depression that I’m surprised I still actually have a job. This is a common thing with depression, right? I know about the whole not being able to get out of bed thing. I know about the crying. I know about the weird looks and the silences. I know about losing interest in things I loved (hi, to-be-read pile, I see you). But I never considered the practical aspects of dealing with depression. Spending too much money on things I do not need and will never have a use for, because it feels like shopping is something a normal person would do. Eating too much because it feels like there’s a hole in my stomach and I just want to fill it. Are they common things with depression? I don’t know.
And that worries me, because I’m a psychology student and I have never been taught about the deep, deep ways depression affects you.
God damn you, mental health stigma.
Disclaimer: Ack. I apologise for being so flaky. I swear I’m not like this in real life.