Anxiety · mental illness

A night out with anxiety

I often wish anxiety came with a how-to handbook. Today is one of those days.
Tonight, my best friend is having a birthday dinner party with six other friends. Friends I have never met, and have never heard particularly great things about. To say I’m dreading it is putting it VERY lightly.
I. Am. Terrified.
I’m scared I’ll have a panic attack. I’m scared I’ll throw up. I’m scared I won’t be able to eat and everyone will think I’m strange. I’m scared my mood will drop. I’m scared I’ll cry. I’m scared I’ll do the total opposite and have a high episode in the middle of the restaurant.
According to my doctor and the psychiatric nurse who recently assessed me, I am not bipolar. Yes, I have a lot of the symptoms (way over half). But I am not bipolar. I’m not entirely sure how that one works. Still, a couple of weeks back, I had a drop in my mood like never before. For the first time in my life, after eight years of mental illness, I felt suicidal. It has never happened to me before, and that was actually one of the reasons my doctor said I didn’t have bipolar. My swings are “just anxiety”.
Just anxiety.
Like it’s no big deal whatsoever.
Anyway. Tonight. I’m scared my ‘just anxiety’ will make an ill-timed appearance.
Just for once, I’d like to be able to go out with my best friends, meet new people, have fun, eat what I want, without worrying.


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